But in the end, who’s there? Family, that’s who’s there. What’s family? Family can be friends. Family can be Julie. How far does that stretch? Not too far, I think. But it’s good. We are meant to leave, to be left, to change, to grow. Life should not be stagnant. People should not be stagnant. It’s good we don’t collect people. We can’t collect people (memories, yes, but memories aren’t people). Because each of us lives in our own world. We can’t have more worlds. We can’t live like that. People help. People help us. I think, really, you can learn a great deal about yourself from other people. But at some point, they have to leave. You have to leave. And this is not bad. And this is inevitable. And who am I to say what’s the truth, except that this is my world I’m living in and maybe I can help. Help what? Should that even be a question? Can that be a question? I can help my world. I can--can I help others? Those in my life for now. People are fleeting. But I want to know. I want to know, and be known, and I want to love deeply and with my heart and to understand and to understand and to understand. And I can’t stop writing, I just need to say these things, words collect in my head, questions pile up in my head, I ask questions all the time. All I do is ask questions. Questions help me to think. More than ever, more than then and even the unknown, the time ahead, now I need to think so much. To think so much. But it’s not just that, I need to write, to create and to say what I’m thinking, because even if this is my world it is also our world. I believe that. What is perception, what is life without perception? Ours. The world is the world, regardless. Regardless. So maybe if I say these things (will you understand me?) I’m just saying what I feel, and that’s part of our world, of the world, could it change the world? We can only change ourselves. But ourselves are the world. And people are fleeting, people are so fleeting, but “I love you” doesn’t mean nothing, it doesn’t. That changes my world. You change my world. And my world is our world is your world is the world."
The past few months have been absolutely insane. Crazy. So, so, so wild.
I've started to write. And really write, not just for essays or school or in a pretend, not-really-completely-into-it fashion. Writing, now is necessary. (Above is the first piece of writing I really did, something I wrote at the very beginning which prompted this intense necessity, this huge passion. That was February).
Iv'e started to run. Really run, I mean, not for kinda feeling good or for getting in shape or whatever, but (again) out of necessity. It is necessary. So I can sleep. So I can work. So I can, generally, keep myself from going insane. Sanity, I think, is a good thing.
Happiness is a good thing.
And I've been really, really happy these past few months. And the thing is, I've also been sleep deprived. And overworked. And overwhelmed.
There are those little things. Those little things that mean so much. (And the big things, too).
I have a boy. (ha). I have some really, really great friends. I have flowers, and warm weather, and skirts, and the sun, and trying new things.
I have this incredible ability to think that I did not possess even a few months ago.
I am me.
And, in celebration of this me-ness, of my creativity which really just wants to be expressed, of the need to create, I'm going to be blogging more often.
And if that doesn't happen, well, so be it.
But I think it will.
I can make it happen.
Below are some pictures from last weekend. Farmer's market Saturday morning (aren't Ana and Erin cute?), having fun with friends (guitar, music, talking, laughs) Saturday night.
It's spring now. It's beautiful, it's happy, it's good.